I LOVE WRITING

I love writing. In fact, have been writing all my life. From my student days up to my work now as employee in one of the government offices around, a great portion of my time have been spent and being spent in writing. However, due probably to my very busy schedules, it is only now that I have availed of the medium of the internet to share my thoughts on just about anything. I must admit that I am bored, with life, with work but more than that I am sad, as brought about by the recent events that have transpired in my life. I wanted to find an avenue in order to save me from my boredom, and more importantly from my sadness. I wanted to do something which though not entirely new, would somehow be a breath of fresh air. That is when I thought of blogging. I now join the millions of people privileged to be read all over the globe. For that I am thankful.

While signing in for this blog account, I was thinking of the most appropriate title I can use that would best describe my life and without batting an eyelash, “complicated” was the first to come to my mind. Yes, my life is definitely complicated. If you are among those people who have enough time to visit the internet, I would be glad to share to you stories about me that make this life complicated.

When I was young, I lived a very simple life and therefore had simple dreams and ambitions. I just wanted to have a decent job that would allow me to live a more than average life, with enough to spare for unforeseen things that would require finances. However, when I joined this office which I have been serving for sixteen years now, my life became- complicated.

It was June 1993. I was a fresh graduate from a university in Manila and awaiting for the results of the board examinations which I took months earlier. I have been applying with various private offices and I am proud to say that not one denied my application. This must be due to my good scholastic records apart from the fact that I had the work experience having had the chance to be employed during vacation from school. Not that my parents could not afford to send me to school, especially since I had various scholarships that provide for my tuition fees and monthly stipends. But at a young age, I was proud. I wanted to spend money that came from my own hard work. Every semester, I could afford to brag about having bought my new shoes, school supplies and other things from the money I earned during vacation.

I went to this Office to apply for a clearance which was a pre-requisite to an employment being offered to me in Makati and while doing so, I was reminded of this “myth” about the benefits of working in government. This myth was about people in government who although receiving little pay nevertheless did simple work, yet attached some form of prestige in their being connected with government. “Siga kumbaga”. This, among others made me decide to apply for employment in that office.

The application process was grueling. As I have stated earlier, I was applying with the private sector at that time and I found the processes easy compared to that which I underwent in this government office. At that time, it was impressed upon us that the reason for the arduous selection process was due to the prestige that goes with the work. True enough, that year there were 3000 applicants for the job and yet only 49 of us were taken in. Next stop was a five-month training in this popular Northern Province and for a 21-year bachelor who is yet to do full-time work, those were the best days of my life. Afterwhich, we were formally welcomed as part of this supposed to be “prestigious” organization. I had freedom, a supposed to be “prestigious” job, authority, paraphernalias that go with the authority and compensation that was more than enough for a young professional. The work was arguably exciting, and extremely different from the work that people from the same educational background would normally perform. Choosing to work at this office certainly saved me from the “monotony” that my classmates from school have complained of.

Nonetheless, the life started becoming complicated.

At first, I was in self-denial that mine was not entirely different from the lives other people live. I used to defend this stand by arguing that all of us had respective roles to play and it just so happen that mine was different in terms of the responsibilities and safety aspects- but not really complicated. I went on with this self-denial, perpetuated it for years and debated for it when the need arise, even at times when the complications were already very evident not to be noticed.

In order to perpetuate this self denial, I came up with a principle that as soon as I arrive home, I would already divest myself of the personality that I put affront every time I do my work. By doing so, I would be able to assure myself and the people around me that I am still the same ordinary guy that breathes the same air that they do.

However, this did not and do not work all the time. Surprisingly, even the people at home and those I have known from way back the time I am not yet connected in this office treated me differently already. To them, the persona was something that is inherent already regardless of the time and the place I am into. To some extent, I enjoyed it. But in most cases, I don’t.

Last year, I met the most important person in my life. She was beautiful inside out, very intelligent and was willing to understand and bear with the pains of my complications. She even called someone like me as “abnormal” for true enough, the life I live was indeed different from the ones normal people live. She taught me to have a deep understanding of life, not only from my point of view but from other people’s standpoint as well. In due time, the years of my self-denial turned into acceptance and for the first time in my life, I admitted that my complications have actually worked against relationships I had with loved ones, friends and other people I meet. At first, she told me that she was a person who did not want complications. That as much as possible, she wanted an ordinary life far from difficulties that can be avoided if need be. However, because she loves me, she took the chance and welcomed the challenge to make my complicated life less complicated. She said that if the complications are difficult to avoid, there should be at least a means for them to work in our favor.

She immersed herself into my complicated life. Spent time with me to understand the ins and outs of my work and the means by which people like me live their lives away from their offices. We shared stories- those involving mine and people we don’t even know. There was no limit to what we talked about. And when we do so, we hardly notice time pass by. “Pati utot ng langgan pinagkukuwentuhan namin!” We laughed a lot and cried a lot too. It was the best year of my complicated life. And she lived it with me.

A few days back, the complications caught up on me. Now, I am a complicated person with a “blog”.